Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

was Jim off killing horses or…

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?