Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

*Hits Rock Bottom*

Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

Breaking news:

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40