[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
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I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.