Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Me: Say that word I like

Him: Pajamas?

Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.