(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Me too door. Me too.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
i spent way too long on this
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
What the hell is going on?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant