Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?

Me: that’s bananas.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother