(before sex)
*sings national anthem
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Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
🙁
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?