[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.