Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
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Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
jesus christ confetti not now
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
gentlemen, hear me out
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄