Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
You Might Also Like
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees