I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
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Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
pls suprot
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.