@KenJennings

Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”

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@ch000ch

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

@OldSpookMan

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

@TheCatWhisprer

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

@freefanaddict

Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.

@PyrBliss

McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won’t be long before you’re dead.