Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”

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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…


I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”


I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.


Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.


McDonalds wants you to tell your family you love them because if you keep eating McDonalds it won’t be long before you’re dead.