[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
all bases covered
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“I’d like to speak with a manager”