Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven