Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.