Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
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[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Need this in my life lol
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”