Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Taliband
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her