[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
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Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”