Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do

i really liked this one

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

normalize having existential bread

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath