Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Natty or not?

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.