Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.