before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I think this should do it.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?