Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out

All generalizations are stupid.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.