Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

what do you want!!!!!!!!

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.