before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Does it…does it take 3 days
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”