Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
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Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Chemical wingman
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.