Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
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I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.