Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
No one can handle that
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!