Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
You Might Also Like
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I can also cook 😂
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[at the general store]
me: one general please
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?