Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase