Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If looks could kill

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Snapes on a plane.

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

Sometimes? I’m slipping