Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)

I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)

Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

Whoa… oh I see lol

Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels