Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
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Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Single worst piece of software ever invented
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
imagine getting destroyed like this
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*