Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
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“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”