I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Sharon I have some bad news
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
just gave my 5yo power of attorney