@delusions_of

Before toasters people had to frantically rub two pieces of bread together.

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@BruceForce

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

@shariv67

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.

@philco816

Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.

@Shock_Monster

It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.

@Faceyspace

HAHA ME AND MY NEW BOYFRIEND QUIT SMOKING TOGETHER NO ONE WILL GET MURDERED FOR SURE.

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

@simoncholland

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

@stevevsninjas

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

@SJKSalisbury

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.