[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
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Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.