Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Art by Pastelkatto
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
is this how new cars are made??
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.