Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks