Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
🤣😈🤣
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
This might be me.
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996