Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
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You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*