Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
