Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
You Might Also Like
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
finally
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.