Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
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The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?