Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
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I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
How can I say no to this ?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
unbelievably distressed by this ad
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!