Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

Today’s Times

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”