before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…