Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

Probably my best painting.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

normalize having existential bread

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.