before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?