before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”