before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.