before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch