before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
everyone has that one prude friend
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Is fake venison called venisn’t
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms