before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Boy never ceases to amaze me
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*