before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Has there ever been a more American story?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*