before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
three things we don’t talk about
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day