[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors