in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”