Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.