Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Google reviews are always so mixed..

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

I’m going to need a moment here.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN