Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.