Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
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I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you