Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS