Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.

Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM

I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂

Me: oh God no

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.