Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
same but as an audience member
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.