Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”