Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Oddly specific
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”