Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.