Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud