Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
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Me. “I need to get some wrapping paper, shall we split up?”
Her. “Ok but I’m keeping the house”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Hansel: how are we gonna get home
Gretel: we should leave some sort of trail
Duck: [pitching voice] how about a trail of bread crumbs
People who like “The Bachelor” are like racists; you know they’re out there, but you just hope your friends don’t feel that way.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I wasn’t dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.