Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
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There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)