Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!

6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?