Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
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Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Never forget.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*