Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitlers gonna hitl

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.

“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.