Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
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If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Who.
Did.
This?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.