Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Kids, do not try this at home!
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)