Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The Punning Dead.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.