Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
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[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.