before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
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I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
they should create new variants of dopamine
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.