before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
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Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
for all #parents out there
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]